On The Roof

It’s funny, isn’t it? We never expect to find ourselves on the roof and nothing can prepare us for when it actually happens. I don’t even know what I’m doing up here. No, that’s a lie. I do know why I’m up here. I don’t think I’m ready to tell you yet.

Come on, take a deep breath, focus. Not you, I was talking to myself. Don’t give me that look this isn’t some fucking freak show. I can feel the wind on my back. I can see for miles. Everything is so much clearer up here. I can even taste the rain in the sky. Anyway, why did you come?

So, that’s why. Huh. I figured it would be because of…well you know who I’m talking about. I’m glad you came. There, I said it. I fucking said it. Stay where you are mind, I don’t need you tripping over your shoelaces or something stupid. See, I still care. Hey man, I’m not even laughing, I swear I’m not! Okay, maybe just a little.

Did you know buildings sway in the wind? You don’t notice these things on the ground. But up here, with my legs hanging over the edge, I can really feel it. It sways from left to right and right to left. Okay, okay, I get it. You want to know why I’m doing all of this. I need you to promise me something. Shut up, let me finish. I need you to promise that you won’t try to stop what’s going to happen. There’s that stare again. Trust me I don’t have to look to see it.

I guess it all started with a guy. Hey, let me have my Disney Princess moment! Shut it you know I’m the better princess. Wait, where the fuck was I? Do you remember the party? Mandy’s house? Yeah, of course you do. That’s where I met him. I’d been feeling kinda down and I guess I went to the party as some kind of stupid gesture. It was getting late, I was fucked and you…well you were passed out on the couch snoring your little head off. Fuck knows where Mandy was. I remember somebody crying. That was probably her.

Anyway I was off my face in the kitchen having a fag. It’s a wonder I even remember any of this. Just call me Superman I guess. So this guy approaches me from outside. Don’t ask me why he was outside, how the fuck should I know? He was outside and then he was inside. He approaches me and I offer him one of my cigs. He takes it and starts twirling it between his fingers. And we start talking. And I’m saying whatever shit comes to mind. I keep expecting him to realise. Surely he’s gonna suss me and get the hell out of there? But he doesn’t.

He puts his hand on my face. I’m a little thrown, you know? I don’t move his hand. Suddenly I’ve got my hand on his waist and I’m drawing him towards me. Neither of us are talking any more. What is there to be said? I can feel a monster in my chest screaming, pounding, wailing. It’s tearing my insides apart just to be free. So, I kiss him. And he kisses me back. And it feels…amazing. The monster in my chest is purring. It’s like taking a fistful of ecstasy. No, it’s much, much better than that. He gives me his number and tells me to call him.

I waited a week. I don’t know why but I guess I didn’t want to seem too keen. Ha, I saw you laugh there. Don’t think I didn’t notice! I call him and it rings six times before he answers. He recognises my voice. I can’t remember the last time somebody recognised me from my voice. We talk for an hour. Maybe it was two. Suddenly I’ve got the courage and I’m asking him out. Nothing fancy. A walk down at the pier.

            It’s Friday evening. I’m waiting beside the Pier Café. Where we arranged. He arrives on time. We go for the walk. Right to the end of the pier. At the end I climb on to the granite wall and just sit there watching this brilliant purple sunset. He climbs up beside me and puts his arm around my shoulder. And then I’m holding his other hand in mine. We watch the sun fade from the sky. I know people are staring at us. Look at the queers I hear some drunk slur as he staggers past clutching his alcoholic can. Nothing can touch us. We felt invincible.

It’s properly dark by now and we’re still sitting on the pier wall. I haven’t even moved my hand from his. I kiss him. Just on the cheek. Nothing fancy. We get down from the wall and start to walk back up to the café. It’s almost pitch black. We go past the café and turn on to a narrow road. There’s no light here either except for that old flickering streetlamp. We don’t care. It’s fun in the dark. It’s sexy. It’s dangerous.

And that’s when they came. Out of the dark. And we’re pulled apart. I’m screaming. He’s yelling. A hail of baseball bats rains down on him and knock him to the ground. I’m cowering on the pavement with my head in my hands not daring to even look. I hear laughter. I hear drunken celebrations. They don’t even touch me. They never touched me. Their voices fade away and I finally summon the courage to lift my head. And I see him just lying there. His eyes are open. Staring. There’s a streak of still wet blood down his right cheek where only half an hour ago I’d kissed him. I know he’s dead. I know there’s nothing I can do. But I have to do something. So, I fumble in my pocket for my phone.

They told me. Down at the hospital. He suffered a brain haemorrhage from the first blow. He was already dead and they kept hitting him and hitting him and hitting him. Who does that? He was targeted. I know that now. They left me because I was nothing to them. Just another closeted poof he’d picked up. He was the real prize. I know one day it’ll be my turn.

You think I’m going to jump, don’t you? You think that’s why I’m sitting on the edge. I wish it could be that simple. Look, my hands are trembling. I can’t even hold this cigarette steady. It’s been six months. If I was gonna kill myself I would’ve done it by now. I’m too much of a coward even for that. Oh, but it would be spectacular, wouldn’t it? All I have to do is push forward and I’m falling. You wouldn’t even have a chance to stop me. I’d be falling and then, just like that, I’d slam straight into the ground extinguish my fucking worthless life.

But, no, I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to give them that satisfaction. What would my obituary even say? Depressed loner throws himself off building. Hardly the way I wanna go. When I go there’s gonna be fire. There’s gonna be splendour. There’s gonna be a fucking party! That’s how I’ll go.

Well, here we are. I’m sitting here. You’re standing over there. I guess it’s time I actually looked at you. When I said I didn’t want to give them the satisfaction what I really meant was I didn’t want to give you the satisfaction. That’s right, I saw you. You may not have hit him yourself but you were there. You were with them. And that’s what I really can’t get my head around. You’ve known all this time and you’ve never once asked how I am. You’ve never once had the fucking courage to tell me why. So, now’s your chance to put things right.

I guess I never really expected you to admit it. I never thought you’d break down and cry and beg for forgiveness. You weren’t one for surprises. You made a mistake that night. That’s easy, we’ve all done that. I want to see a way forward. For you. I want to forgive you. I’m not there yet. One day, maybe. So, you just keep standing there. Watch the sun set and the moon rise. Watch the street life down below. Watch the mum’s push their buggies. Watch the queers hold hands and laugh and joke and smile. Watch all of that. And know that I have never felt so alive as I do right now, here on this roof with you. You see I’m not afraid of who I am any more. You’re afraid. You’re terrified. You don’t know what you are. You have no idea at all. Who am I? I’m just another queer. And you can’t bring me down.

What Is There To Die For?

[spoken]

So, why don’t you tell me,

What is there to die for?

 

[sung]

All those worn out people,

Silence in their hearts,

What is there to die for?

When no one leads the charge.

 

Corpses litter the street,

Who’s speaking out for them?

Just nothing left to die for,

And no one leads the charge.

 

You can’t stand,

Today none shall rise,

There’s nothing left to fight,

We cannot make it right.

 

[spoken]

So where were you when they came?

Where were you at the end?

I hear them a-coming for you now,

And not a charge in sight.

 

[sung]

You can’t stand,

Today none shall rise,

There’s nothing left to fight,

We cannot make it right.

 

Take a stand

Maybe we’ll start to rise,

‘Cause there’s something left to fight,

It’s time to make it right.

 

What is there to live for?

It’s time to face the end.

What is there to die for?

Well it’s time to lead the charge.

 

Be Myself Again

I’m starting to wonder,

I’m starting to believe,

I think that I found a way,

To be myself again.

 

Where are we going?

Where do we belong?

I can see another city,

That’s just full of promises.

 

Sketch my eyes again,

For I can’t see without,

A pencil lined in black,

So I’ll be myself again.

 

Why are we here?

I don’t think that we belong.

This city’s getting kinda scary,

But I’m looking for some fun.

 

Hoping’s just a fool’s game,

Trusting’s just the same,

You thought my back was turned,

But I’ll face you anyway.

 

So why are you leaving?

I want you to stay.

‘Cause I’m starting to like it here,

And I ain’t got time to beg.

 

I never felt so small,

As I did right there with you.

Help me stop that blood flow,

So I can throw away your knife.

 

I thought that I believed,

I thought that I’d found,

A reason to be me,

Yet here I am again.

 

I Sold You Out (Now I’m Alone)

I was there when their hammer fell on you,

I was there when they stole your life away.

Yeah, yeah,

I was watching them from afar.

I was right there when they came for you,

as they knocked on your door and brought down the light,

Calling your name with their blackened tongues.

 

It was me,

I gave the game away,

I hid away and shed a tear,

But it wasn’t for you.

It was me,

I sold you out and I must confess,

I wouldn’t change this world for anything.

 

I was there,

I was there,

When they came for you.

 

I guess I ought to try and say,

That I know I should take the blame,

Yet when you get to the heart,

I just didn’t care at all,

So trust me when I say,

You’re better off in the ground.

 

Now it’s been twenty long years,

And I’ve lived a carefree life.

I can see it’s coming to the end,

I can hear them knocking once again,

But the funny thing is,

I’m yearning for your loss

And here’s the best part,

All my disguises have run dry.

 

For ever since the day I sold you out,

There’s nowhere left to hide,

Now they’re coming for me.

 

 

 

My Friend (Or How I Learnt To Live Again)

Forgive me for these words may

seem a lesser way to state my

feelings on matters of the heart,

but here at last you may see

what you always meant to me. 

 

I never thought I would become

as accustomed as I am to solitude

until you found me in that corner dreaming

of whispered lies and golden tragedies

resonating through my charcoal shadow. 

 

I used to lie here wondering

why you chose to see me when

all others had since passed and

I had nothing left to offer except

a silent look with sunken shoulders. 

 

Your gentle words sparked a fire

of caged curiosity within my mind

where everything made perfect sense

and now I knew the only way to

stand up tall as one alone. 

 

But I’m not afraid to say

that I love you here today 

for you were there holding my hand

as I rolled the dice you squeezed and

I knew then to feel was just the best. 

 

I wasn’t who you thought I’d be

but maybe that’s the point for

if we could guess each other’s steps

perhaps we’d never know the things

we truly meant to see. 

 

 

 

Heroes & Villains

She looks at you feigning smiles

through red raw lips and streaming eyes.

A dull dark streak betrays her glow

a cracked voice says more than you know.

I can’t tell who I am today

but maybe that’s a story

with heroes and villains

and a land to save from us all.

Watch her movements as she speaks

with your hand on the wheel and

swerving as your brakes are failing

don’t let your emotions fade away. 

She can’t see who I am today

and maybe that’s a story

chock full of villains

and no screaming heroes.

Is this love or is this pain?

I think they’re just alike.

How can I know that what I feel

is common to our souls? 

I don’t know who they are today

yet I know it’s a story

with the right heroes

and we’re all villains. 

Staring at her straight through

not backing down nor shattered.

Is this how our story ends?

One slip and I’m crashing. 

She doesn’t care who we are today

it’s just another story

where the broken pieces discarded

betrayed our own identities. 

Storm’s Soliloquy

The old man whistling a tuneless tune,

as steel rods fall and strike the ground,

a dazzling flash and roaring stampede

that heralds a thousand frightened elephants

and they’re passing through…

You’re Just Fine

Don’t be afraid,

your journey’s just beginning.

Look up dressed to kill,

a gleaming eye and killer shadow.

Hey girl, you’re gonna be fine.

Eclipse that style,

your wore it best that day.

Don’t you smile,

they won’t deserve your time.

Hey girl, you’re gonna be fine.

Teach that guy,

a lesson he ought to learn.

Look down heels snap,

your boots are leather blackened death.

Hey girl, I know you’re fine.

You’re not afraid,

the journey’s never over.

Don’t need a guy or girl to

tell you what you already know.

You’re just fine alone.

I’m Okay

You asked me if I’m okay

but I didn’t want to say

‘Cause I know if I do,

You’ll think you have a clue.

It’s not about them, it’s not about you

It’s all that I am and all I have due.

You needed me to hear

and I’m sure it’s just a fear

that I’ll be faced with uncomfortable truth,

maybe that’s why I’m on this roof.

It’s all crashing; I’m falling down,

touch the ground and watch me drown.

Now I’m swimming over waves

as I scream through these raves,

and my lungs gasp for air

wherever I am I feel your stare.

See me jump; watch me lying,

You’re crying but I’m dying.

I want to tell you everything

but I wish that I knew anything

to prove what it’s doing to me,

and I just wished I could be free.

In your arms; safe from harm,

your tears sting and with no calm.

Up on this roof again

I hear the chirping of the wren

as it settles on my outstretched hand,

and my eyes are all full of sand.

They’re stinging me; it’s clinging sin,

claws digging in my skin.

I stroke the feathers worn

weathering the perfect storm

at last this bird takes flight,

winging flapping in its fright.

Your hand is on my shoulder,

and that’s all it took to smoulder.

So here we are we’ve come this far

as once I was a fading star

you asked me if I’m okay,

and I know it’s time to say.

It’s all about you now,

Listen to my final vow.

I’m Awake, You’re Dreaming

I saw a girl sitting on a rock

crosslegged and covered in sand

she hallooed at me with drunken tones,

laughing, shrieking, cheeks red with mirth

her eyes sparkled blue and green

a glint of sadness seeping through,

she saw me and I smiled back

but I didn’t see her.

I approached and braved the sun

as this girl dipped her naked toes

into that cold and swirling ocean

where the chill could not faze her

and she threw back her head

with auburn locks and purple bows,

again I heard that throaty guffaw

which had so bewitched me from afar.

She raised a hand towards me

beckoning for I to join her

and gladly did I scramble up

atop that rock beside her

whose very identity I did not know,

but under a mesmerising spell I

found myself unable to resist

the lure of something quite so pure.

She pushed me back a little hard

and I’m sure that I saw stars,

but I didn’t care for here I lay

with her and I knew reality had nothing

on the dream which had so transfixed

my delicate, fragile soul as she

brushed away the strands of hair

and grinned a toothy grin.

Now so closely we’re entwined

I noticed in the fading light

a pattern of freckles upon her face

that seemed to spell a name

in another language I could not say,

and I wished that I had the guts

to be the person I was meant to be

and to love without condition.

The water’s rising fast

and the setting sun has dipped

behind these darkening clouds

but we are still here, lying

on that rock which long ago

had lost its warmth and comfort

and now neither of us can

brave the journey home.

She grabs my hand and pulling

suddenly we’re standing, swaying

on our feet we are just dancing

and whilst the waves grow closer,

I’m feeling their icy lick

yet she doesn’t say a word but

lets go and dives, her smile the last

I see before she disappears.

I saw her and she saw me

in our daylight dreaming where

we thought we were untouchable

and could not face the world ahead,

but I stand by what I felt that day

as she lay beside me laughing

and with a careless nod I knew,

I’m awake and you’re just dreaming.